Tuesday, December 25, 2007

What if number 45 - Doors

What if doors have feelings too?

Little Timmy comes home and slams the door in anger cause his girlfriend broke up with him. He's very very angry - but hold on, this isn't a story about poor depressed Timmy, it's about the poor door who didn't really do much to Timmy in the first place. I mean, honestly, does the door deserve such a cruel punishment for no apparent reason at all? What if a door had feelings!!! Did you ever consider that? It was so happy minding it's own business and then BAM!! a boy with raging hormones destroys it's day by slamming him against well... the wall?
Should think about that :( Doors have feelings too....

Saturday, December 22, 2007

What if number 44 - Humiliation

What would you do!!?

Well seems to everyone (ahem!!! you guys suck!!!) that he'd get a slap in the face! And maybe a kick in the nuts! But come ON!!! Nobody likes being the center of attention! But you do have to give this guy a looooot of credit and guts to even try ANYTHING like this. Takes really large amount of courage and willpower to throw yourself at the mercy of another. Almost like putting yourself on the guillotine WAITING for your head to come off rolling.
But see it from my point of view. This man! Not this specific one cause this is a tv show, but if ANYONE did that, he will not hesitate to do anything else that would cause a lot of commotion. And will not hesitate to save someone else from humiliation. And they would ask you to do the same and be kind to them.

I'd call anyone a legend who will do this!

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

What if number 43 - On fire!

What if you get so bored, your shoes CATCHES FIRE!!!?

Whhhhaaaaat? Catch fire? Shoes? Bordem? Shoes? Catch fire? What the hell?
These are probably your initial reaction to the first line. I would be too, but seeing as how it's a craft of sarcasm mixed with the creativity / lameness that comes with being bored. If these weren't your initial reaction, maybe "omfg, another post!! Panny posted another what if!!" is.

Anyway, back to the point. As an expression, this would be a rather dangerous one. You'll have a lot of accidental arson cases blazing around school (oh yes, he did, he did! he just used blazing) And everyone would have flame retardant shoes! That's awesome, and everything would have to be flame retardant. At least you won't have to worry about being a castaway on an island, worrying about fire. It'll come around in a while when you REALLY GET BORED.

I know, I'm gonna leave most of this post up to your own imagination, ways you can light fire, or a FIRE KICK!!! IN THE NUTS!!! Channel your inner bordem into a vicious attack using the element of FIRE!

Saturday, October 6, 2007

What if number 42 - Potions for sale!!

What if you could get health potions and energy/mana potions in RL!!!? (suggests Joseph)

Well!!! I'm pretty sure someone will try it out on their cut, by drinking it. And then magically they will get patched up instantly!!! NEAT!!! But.... i'll bet it comes at a very very insane price...

Many of the games you see in today's culture... that includes potions... do not allow your player to go to the toilet or even show weakness in any way. It's like... THEY'RE MACHINES!!! *DUH!!!* I'm pretty sure if someone made something of the sort, healing potions... first it'll be taken to the hospital to see if it can cure cancer patients... and when the withdraw symptoms hit, it'll probably kill them instantly. FUN TIMES!!!

Withdraw symptoms maybe be any of the following : Severe Diarrhea, Uncontrollable vomiting, Rectal bleeding, impotence, weakness to the joints, temporary blindness, inability to taste and touch, hemorrhaging in the fingertips, dry mouth. Consult your potion dealer before use.

Sunday, September 30, 2007

What if number 41 - Does it come with horses?

What if your pumpkin turned into a carriage?
Well!! Lets just get the obvious things that I'd do out of the way first
1.) rub my eyes and ask myself am I trippin on acid!!
2.) Take a serious chunk out of it with my teeth to see if it's edible.
3.) Ask the fairy god mother that turned it there "who the fuck are you"
4.) Shortly followed by a "Where are the horses?"
After a few minutes of explaining, that bitch told me she's gonna charge me by the hour and I have to provide the horses!! FUCK THAT!! Asked her how come cinderella got two!! She said that she had a "comes with free horses" back in those days SINCE THEY WERE DIRT CHEAP *relativity*

So I jump in the carriage and then chill for a while, and she was just getting so annoying telling me all these minor details. I signed and then turned up the stereo inside (dolby surround 7.1) Sat in there for a good while before I got bored of the music. Called up a bro and got hooked up with a few horses (don't ask). Took the carriage for a ride.

Me and the horses went all the way up to the top of that hill (which took a few hours) and then watched some moon. "Ahhh what a lovely sight" as i stared out from the carriage. Suddenly it started creaking and the entire thing started to shrink. I dived out only to have my foot caught by the door. Next thing I knew, it was a pumpkin again!


Friday, September 14, 2007

What if number 40 - My bad doc...

What if you enjoy your prostate examination a little too much?
Was just thinking about the whole checkup thing... As it occurred to me... what if you did... enjoy it a little too much... Been reading about stuff on the internet about how prostate stimulation could be pleasurable. Since the whole point to a prostate examination is to anal probe you, what if.... You... were to be... aroused by this foreign entity?

Well... personally... I'd probably say to the doc... "before we do this... i'm just gonna ask you a few questions... What if i were to be... ya know... aroused at it... cause i've been hearing things ya know... so... i'd like to know you a little better if we are gonna do this - just lemme know, do you likem big titties? or likem nice asses? comon! Just lemme know that at least"
If the doctor is gay... well.... at least he'll be gentle. That's always a plus.

"Ooopse, get the tissue, I'll clean that up" - hehehe
Just a random thought

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Oh man.... i'm running low on energy

I think i've poured too much energy into this what if section... looks like the 365 posts will have to be extended a wee bit more.
We'll get back to you after this little break... maybe a week, maybe just a few days...

Monday, September 10, 2007

What if number 39 - Food Transfer

What if all the food you ate went to somebody else? -Suggestion from Von Von

So! FOOD! Some people hate it, some people love it, some people can't get enough of it, and some people can't actually get any of it. Now! As we all sit around the campfire ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS (I'm... meeel... ting....) we come to realise that food is important. While there are still countries out there that suffer from poverty, we shall always finish out meals. All true asians are taught one thing. IT IS A SIN TO LEAVE A GRAIN OF RICE IN YOUR BOWL!! It's true! Totally a sin!!

So... what if we can like... link our stomachs to someone else? Like.... "sponsor a child with this new device that transports all the extra food that you consume into their bodies on the other side of africa". THAT IS ONE LONG CATCH PHRASE. What a mouthfull. Try saying that 10 times 10 times faster than you possibly can.

I got commented that I was so thin, and I eat so much. Jo said that he reckons that all the food that I eat go to him, and all the food that he eats... well... goes to himself. So I'M HUNGRY!!

That would be cool though, but problem is... how would YOU get energy? Didn't think of that one von. EH!

Sunday, September 9, 2007

What if number 38 - Lock stocked an ready to rock!

What if the whole zombie thing came to life?
Recently watched a movie called 28 weeks later !!! zomfg zombies!!! well... more like insanely aggressive pathogen that lead to insanity and violence. MMM Zombies!! in other words. Mindlessly eating you!

This is what I'd do :
First thing's first. This is what I'd do. Go to the garden shed (or garage) pick out a shovel/fork. Find a cleaver of some sort. Duct tape. And you have yourself a sturdy extension cleaver! Find some rope so you can hang it on your back.
Next, fill up some clean water and put it in your back pack, some food supplies and then some knives and put them into your vest that you've saved up on. Put on a ski mask and goggles and It's time to go hunting!
After packing my bags for a few weeks travel. I'd phone up my friends to see if they need assistance. Then if they do, i'd rush over and smash some skulls open. But if not, tell them to arm up and then we'll head to the city to liberate some shotguns. Or equally nice, a gun store (if you know where it is - next to work and income on riccarton!!) Clear the city of zombies and find survivors. Well... that's me if zombies were to invade. Similar situation with aliens.

Meh! too much movies i'd say. But... you never know!!! NZ isn't a country someone would test their virus on anyway. Try like.... New York :D or Japan!!! Tokyo highest population density :D

Friday, September 7, 2007

What if number 37 - Me is Loco!

What if you can take crazy pills?

This came to my attention when Muugatu (sp) in Zoolander said "... I feel like I'm taking CRAZY PILLS!!!" TOTALLY AWESOME!!! I can picture a scene in my mind with a psychiatrist sitting on his chair and then a boring patient sits there.
"My life is so boring, I wish I were more.... adventurous," moaned the... moaning man.
"Hummm...." the psychiatrist glares at his wrist watch. (still 50 min!!! FUCK)
"I wish I could be like.... *sigh*"
"I sound depressed don't I?"
"Humm...... what? No... of course not."
"You're not listening to me!"
"No~~ don't say that. I'm just considering something (SHIT!)"
"I'm sure you are"
"Here take some crazy pills, they're still in clinical trials but i think you would be okay"
Several minutes after taking the crazy pills, the psychiatrist is thrown out the window from his 32nd floor office.

Wonder if you'll see pretty colours?

Thursday, September 6, 2007

What if number 36 - Life Documentary

What if you knew your life is going to be documented one day?

Woooooah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah.... WOAH! This isn't my spiderman costume. As Peter says in Family guy (i thinks) But the point is the amount of WOAH(s) there were. A LOT.

What would you do.... what WOULD you do? I'd just live on! Depressions and hyperactivity like the usual. But that's a little bland isn't it? Do drugs... seek prostitutes (it's legal here at least... still) Jump off bridges (into water) and then get arrested. At least when people watch your life story, they'll go... "wow! What A LOSER!" Or... "LEGEND!" Which I amz ;) *mumbles "I-r-teh-legendz" in the corner*

Have a think. An hour long tv episode on YOU! Wonder what it would be *secretly wishes to dominate the world with his teachings*

What if number 34 and 35 - DOUBLE UP!

What if clouds were really made of candy floss? What if you can fly!!?
Been a little bit lazy recently, and to make it up, this is a special DUO post. Specially formatted for extra fun-age
Well... Where does Superman eat? Well... that's a very nice question. He eats SUPER CEREAL! with Super Moo-Milk and... Super... doughnuts? Maybe...? All reasonable answeres that were never really discussed in any of the comics/film/etc etc. What does superman EAT?!!! Definitely Lewis ;)

ANYWAY! If Superman needs to eat, why not just eat the clouds? Since THEY'RE CANDY FLOSS!!! He can even say to his Super-Dentist that he's been flossin ;) WITH CANDY! He'll probably have a lot of cavities, but it's kewl, he just needs a mirror and then his eye lazer thing. Beeew!!!

Lets cut superman some slack here, if it were you, you'd run up to the sky and eat the candy floss away and then fly to class :D problem solved. What about the airplane's engines? There won't be any... TO BEGIN WITH! Cause you can fly! And eat on the go as well... sweet! Don't have to go down to the nearest island for Maccas.

Monday, September 3, 2007

What if number 33 - Freeze!

What if you had hands so cold when they touch something it freezes?

Well... this will be the first post that sorta include the whole superhero idea (which i've added as a label - indicating there might be more).
"So! Want an ice cream there Timmy?" you ask with your nicest voice
"Yes! I do!" replies Timmy enthusiastically.
"Alright then! *you whip up some stuff with your hands while chilling the cream to a nice temperature of somewhere below 0 :D* DONE!"
"YAY! *as you hand it over to Timmy"
"There's a good boy *you touch his hair and scruffles his head*"
"OUCH! brain fre..."
"Oh fuck! I've frozen his brain.... woops.... *you rush into the front seat of your ice cream truck and drive off at a very fast speed*"

The next day you find on the newspaper there is an article about a man who kidnaps kids and puts them in freezers. CREEPY, who'd do that?

Sunday, September 2, 2007

What if number 32 - X-tention?

What if I started including disgusting content to my what ifs?

Well... lately, things have been a bit slow. *throws a dice and then places cards down* I think i need to get the creative juices flowing. But I just can't do it these days. That's why I have a reserve list of things that I've written down.

Some of them interesting... some of them... kinda funny... random... weird.... something i'd probably do in my lifetime (notice how that they are all my labels?). What if I started to include some really really really disgusting stuff.... I know that'll degrade the overall flow of this what if quality, sorta like fear factor, how they sorta just went downhill and then when they've hit rock bottom, they get a diamond bit drill and dig even deeper into the magma! BUT NO! MAGMA DIDN'T STOP THEM! They built that machine that dug through lava and stuff.... like on the core! WORST MOVIE EVER! BAH!

I'll have a think about this, obviously this is quite a big deal imo, cause COMON!!! It's like..... adding shit to a funky sundae. And i like my funky sundaes, with fries in them :D not shit.

Monday, August 27, 2007

What if number 31 - That's a lot of cheese!

What if the moon was made of cheese?

Well.... i suppose... we could send the moon towards the earth and we'll solved hunger for a good long while.... but then again... it might just rot away. That and cause GROBAL RARMING! (global warming) and erase our planet. LETS NUKE IT! says the american government. Cause... they have nukes... LOTS!

Well... if we ignore what we could do with that much cheese... you come to realise. WHO MADE ALL THAT CHEESE? That must be one HUUUUGE BITCH. I mean... cow! The cry of the eternal cow....

Here's a picture I drew that took me longer than it should have... PURELY IN PHOTOSHOP! (wowz - i are newbs)loving that caption ;)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

What if number 30 - O..M...G.... *slits writs*

What if Teletubbies made a movie?

First thing's first *rips open his arm with a blade*
On a side note. It's been one MONTH! yayzors!!! (yes zors)
Second thing i would do is if i'm still alive after going to the emergency room and a consult from my therapist, and going through mental rehab. OKAY THAT'S FUCKIN ENOUGH! I'm gonna pick up a chain saw and head towards the Studio in which they made the god damn movie. How? I'll just google it. You might say, what are you gonna do at the studio? I'M GONNA RIP IT UP WITH MY CHAIN SAW!!!! Diamond bit ;) Obviously cause i need to carve through steel.
Third thing after standing outside the studio as it crumbles to the ground slowly. I'll stand in a glorious "superhero-saves-the-day" pose and let the wind catch my hair for a while. Maybe for like... 10 min. Bask in the demolished building's ashes, smell the sweat and tears of the actors that had to put on the damn suits.
Fourth. After the third, I'll jump into my monster truck (yay!) and head on down to kill the purple teletubby. Since he's the ring leader. Roll over ever car that gets in my way. except SUVs, they might flip my monster truck :(. Aside from that! I'll rip into the eldest teletubby. Not with a chain saw though. Just... an operating knife! slowly but surely I'll cut out his brain and examine it for stupidity. Obviously it'll be contaminated in it.
Fifth - Seventh. The other 3 teletubbies will face a strange death. Freak gas explosion. Decapitation. Chewing on his own balls.
FINALLY, I'll end up in jail probably as a hero for saving the world from total destruction. Bask in the glory of penises!

What if number 29 - Whole year promise? (Zettai Yaksoku~~)

What if I could do this for a whole year straight?

Well... first of all, I know I know... I've been saying this to everyone. But! (shikashi) What if i really do pull this stunt off? a massively long blog for 365 posts!! I mean.... that's totally whack right?

At this very moment, I do have a stash of what ifs lined up in my little notepad of mine. WHICH I'M NOT GONNA SHOW ANYONE EVER!!! except maybe myself and George here. I do have some good ones here, some are mediocre, most are above average I'd say. I mean... I did come up with them :D Cause i'm such a legend and all. :D LEGENDZ! with a Z cause i can. I'll try to make it up to 100, then we'll see how far i can go. I'll keep pumping ideas out like a whore house n leaving patrons.

Bottom line is.
It would be awesumz! Totally legendary!

Friday, August 24, 2007

What if number 28 - Shush! yoo demon!

What if that little voice in your head gets the better of you?

Well...... sometimes, Timmy here wants to come out and play. WITH A KNIFE!!!! Cause he's a slasher... of prices! (cus he owns a store - like in hot fuzz).

Ever experience a little voice in your head telling you to do stuff? Or... not do stuff in some people's cases? Sometimes it's common sense talking. Sorta like when you open a bottle of wine, common sense says... "don't chug the whole thing now... you'll look like a dipshit". You might listen, you might not. But its the ones like "mmm, you know you wanna grab that ass" you shouldn't listen to. HARMFUL STUFF THAT!

It's okay children, drugs are bad! If you don't believe me ask your Dad

Feels like I'm taking crazy pills!!! - Mugatu - Zoolander
I know i am ;)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

What if number 27 - You can't handel the truth!

What if there was something you could take to make you speak the truth?

Well... many people would claim that I'm in the clinical trial already (zing!) and that i'm not getting the placebo! MMMM FETUS! dunno where that came from, from the word placebo reminds me of a fetus pie!!! MMMMM!!! DELICIOUS! *makes gurgling sounds as he consumes a bloody fetus pie*

Well.... this idea is basically the whole "YOU CAN'T HANDEL THE TRUTH" thing isn't it? Sorta relates to me as well. Truth usually can't be handled, but.... it's really just my opinion! SO..... "YOU CAN'T HANDEL MY OPINIONS!!!" I sound so kewl. All i need know is a brown hat and a long matrix jacket thingy. COAT! that's the word.

*dum dee dum dum*
This post is by far the most off track post EVER

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What if number 26 - It's raining what now?

What if actually rains cats and dogs?

Woof woof! SPLAT~!!! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeow!
As Timmy wanders out of the pet store disappointed that he couldn't get a pet for Christmas, it begins to rain cats and dogs. Like massive hunks of meat falling from the sky (as massive chunks of meat do) a dog spatters right in front of Timmy. Timmy, now covered in dog-insides screams for his life. Then out of NOWHERE! Another dog rams into Timmy instantly severing his head in the process.

Well.... you might say.... cats can live if you throw them off a building... so that's why every time you masturbate, god kills a little kitten. THAT'S WHY!!! THAT'S WHY!!! Cause dogs just die when they hit the ground. Tragic tragic tragic.

And that's why you need to take the umbrella out Timmy!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What if number 25 - Boom!

What if NASA decided to blow up the moon?
Kaboom! Houston, we have a problem. The moon needs to be blown up.

Of course they'll need an excuse. Something like from Armageddon. LETS NUKE IT. Well... that's the ultimate solution to everything :D When something goes wrong, LETS NUKE IT! Damn Americans and their gaud damn nukes. They make the most nukes and then says everyone else can't make them :D Totally awesumz.

BACK ON TOPIC! Reasons to why the moon needs to be blown up? Maybe..... IT'S ON A COLLISION COURSE FOR EARTH!!!!! omfgz! Totally unpredictable (yea right) Bet it's so they can destroy the evidence that they never landed on the fuckin moon.

Many would say "I like the moon" and i like it too. Cause during a full moon, Andrew gets feral, that's always fun to watch. Him tearing into random civilians that are walking about out at night dealing drugs at 1am in the morning. TOTALLY AWESUMZ. I'd keep him on a leash though.

Monday, August 20, 2007

What if number 24 - Tickle the president

What if Elmo ruled the world?

First things first. Elmo would include his entire gang. And here we go!
That's first of all a scary thought, but I think the secretary of defense would be the cookie monster, since he's gotta be good at defending his cookies right? from annihilation. And a hawt secretary should be none other than Big Bird, either that or he could just be like.... public relations... Yea.... big bird = public relations. Dunno about the gay friends Ernie and... that other one that shares the flat.

Totally have miss Piggy as a hawt sexy secretary lol. Kermit the frog might help too - personal assistant ;)

Not too sure of what this administration would be for though. Maybe education and lots of tickling. Maybe a "tickle the president" day or something, where all kids get to tickle mr president :D Total boost for public relations HA!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

What if number 23 - Blood chunks falling from the sky

What if you can eat till you explode?

Hence the bloody chunks falling from the sky. Well... chunks with food in them... eww.... slimy spaghetti, crunched up pieces of meatballs too~~ YUCK.

First of all, this idea did... sorta start from good old GTA(grand theft auto) 3!!!! Good game. Where you had to blow up someone's car while they are in a restaurant eating till their heart explodes. And there it was... the billboard of the place. "All you can eat buffet." With a slogan "EAT TILL YOU EXPLODE" and KABOOM!!!

That was also a case like the in CSI (original - the best one imo) where this guy had nerve damage and couldn't stop eating cause he was constantly hungry - or felt hungry always. Fatty fatty he was, he ate till he died because he stuffed so much food down himself that it pressed on his heart or something and died. Poor fat man :( That's what I mean when you eat till you explode. Not quite~~ But still... to the point.

The moral of this story is. Don't eat too much, even when you feel hungry. It's your body, you are the master of your body, not the reverse. That and Buddha's theory : desire is evil, a life without desire is a pure life. Or something like that. BORING! But... it's true.

Friday, August 17, 2007

What if number 22 - Damn!!

What if that bitch never pays up?

That motha fucker! Totally gonna get an ass whooping if i see that mofo again. Don't you just hate it when you lend someone some dough and they don't return it? And when they return it, they don't even give you a little box of chocolates or something. Damn fuckin little bitches. Makes me wanna cut off their testicals and feed it to them.

I dunno, just a random thought I had as I compiled an ever growing list of What ifs... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! Don't make me get out the pimp cane!

It's a little short, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! Totally go pay up bitches. Or someone's totally getting an rectal examination. I'm gonna have to clean my pimp stick.
*RED DRAGON - lol*

Thursday, August 16, 2007

What if number 21 - The One RING!

What if you found a ring that can make you invisible like on LOTR (lord of the rings)?

Of course, NATURALLY - since I'm guy - I'd sneak around into the girls locker room ;) then the boyz! *grabs wet towel - hears slapping sounds and men screaming in pain* he he he! Then.... I'll touch M.C. Hammer cause he won't see me coming! *can't touch this!*

Well... lets just put aside all them weird side effects like wanting to keep it for yourself...... WHO THE FUCK WOULDN'T!!! If you gave it to someone else, you will never be able to find it ever again anyway! CAUSE THEY'RE FUCKIN INVISIBLE!!! So you can't exactly say that's a side effect. And the weird ring you see in the sky when you put it on? CUT! Lets just disenchant that spell! *waves a toothbrush like a wand*

Aside from the sneaking around... I'm pretty sure there is nothing else you can do with a ring that turns you invisible. The whole point to being invisible is..... to sneak around and elude 70% of your senses YOUR EYES! Would suck if you were tying to rob a blind guy though, HE'LL KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!! Since he's like... all wired up without eyes and stuff.

*steals your underwear as you read this - EBAY!!! YES!*

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

What if number 20 - Suddenly appear?

What if birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

It'll be like that movie with the crazy birds that kill people wouldn't it be? I mean... birds following you around ALL DAY LONG. SERIOUSLY!!! It'll get old.

I think if birds suddenly pop out of thin air wherever you go, you'll have a lot of birds popping out of nowhere. I'd hope there would be some parrots or something, hire a bird catcher to follow you around and capture them and pawn them off for MONEY!!

OMFG! What if you're on the plane? and birds appear INSIDE THE PLANE!!!? Man! You won't be allowed anywhere!!? That'll blow goat's balls man... totally blow it.

In other words better carry an umbrella around all day if you wanna stay clean :D

Monday, August 13, 2007

What if number 19 - Sunshine!

What if you could walk on sunshine?

I'm walking no sunshine, ooooh oh! I'm walking on sunshine oooh Oh!
That's all I know of the song. It's kinda depressing that that's all i know since it's a lovely song. I'll bet the song was about the dude's girlfriend and the feeling of love.

But beyond that. Walking on sunshine!! Lets just ignore the fact that sun shines everywhere!!! Okay!! You can chose where to walk on sunshine then!

Ya know what i'd do? First I'd walk on sunshine to the top of the roof of the highest building I could find. And then jump step by step onto the ground. Or even better! Slide down sunshine!! ooooo weeeeeee!!! Awesumz! Just hate it if suddenly the sun gets blocked out by the clouds... then i'll be in real shit!

Beyond the normal, I'd probably bike to school going right over traffic oh! but there will be flying cars... that might actually prove difficult to control them cars.

Wouldn't want there to be a cloud in the sky~~

Sunday, August 12, 2007

What if number 18 - Ya mum!

What if "your mum" never gets old!!?

To be honest. I WILL KILL THE NEXT PERSON WHO SAYS YOUR MUM!!! honestly. Originality points are so low on a scale of 0 to 10. It's like.... a negative infinity. The best thing about "your mum" is that it doesn't make sense at all. Only two words can set in motion a battle. NOT I!!!

Well... i'll give credit to those of them out there who actually say something after just "your mum". Like "your mum is so old, her breast milk is powdered" Various deviations of the mum joke are okay. Just not the "ya mum" thing. Not cool!

But in the case that it does not get old, i think I will have to kill some people to get their mum's points through.

Friday, August 10, 2007

What if number 17 - Sky Food

What if the sky wanted to eat you while you are flying on an aeroplane?
Hey mommy, what's that black space out there? outside of the aeroplane?
It's just space honey, that dark outline above us is the space! Where the moon is.
No... that's up there. I'm talking about that giant mouth like thing over there.
Oh Timmy, I think you're just tired, suffering from that jet lag.
MOMMY!!! I'm not tired! Look!!! *points at gaping mouth like hole in the sky*
Yea right Tim....my.....
I think it's time you screamed says a mysterious hooded figure holding a massive scythe.
STOP! YOU! IN THE HOOD! PUT DOWN THE WEAPON says the enthusiastic air mashall
Fark Yoo all!!! Long live allah!!! says the terrorist who opens his vest and shows a giant red button and presses it.

(intercom) Ladies and gentlemen please stay seated we're getting eaten by the sky, I'm going to start evasive maneuvers and perform an emergency landing on the nearby island. Belt up thanks, your captain (intercom ends)

Everyone stares blankly at each other and then rush to see the outside of the plane. Indeed there has been a development of a gaping black mouth-like hole. "Ooooo, this is goooood. I'm totally getting a raise today" screams Death and then begins to start a manacle laugh.

Timmy : Why is it always me?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

What if number 16 - Ants!

What if ants colonized your house when you went on holiday?

What I'm talking about isn't just a bit of your house. LIKE FULLY BLOWN!!! Jammed packed with what seems to be paper made apartment like colony infrastructure. FUCK!!!!! We'll need a bug bomb today! Or like a bug nuke to be more precise.

I do wonder how they did manage to produce such an insanely large colony. Probably ate the mail man. The dog... cat... various other insects from around the house.... neighbors..... Freaky thought man....

Keep your house clean guys... or you'll have a whole house of ants living in it!!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

What if number 15 - Shiny~~

What if I attend every social function wrapped in aluminum foil?
*music* "Domo aligato Mr. Roboto. Domoaligato Mr. Roboto" *flashing lights n techno music* Of course I'll be the one that's flashing since I'm CONSUMED IN ALUMINUM FOIL!!!!! ROCK ON!!

Don't know what I'd be doing though, Why am I in all this foil? What can I do now that I am wrapped in this foil? I'll tell you!!
*empty empty empty*

Okay... maybe that was planned out a few seconds ago. I think I'd look silly (one). Think I'd also be scary (two). Think..... people would talk? (three) hummmmmm (four). I don't know.... (five). Maybe.... I'd look.... like I'm doing something? (six). Six sentences :D but still no real reason why I would dress up in foil. I'd have clothes underneath though. Maybe I'll block out magnetic waves or something. So when the aliens abduct you all!! I'll be by myself. Since I won't show up on their radar. Yay!

*turns music on full blasts and does the robot*

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

What if number 14 - Gravity = 0

What if there was a switch to turn off gravity and where would it be?

A switch so devastating that would make things seem weightless? GREAT SCOTT (like Doc from Back to the future) A FLUX CAPACITOR? Yea... well.... we don't need a flux capacitor for this field trip. We'll be needing to make large quantities of "UNOBTANIUM" (wiki) dig down to the core and turn it off!!! That's right! TURN OFF GRAVITY!!!

Well.... the concept of turning off gravity has been around for a while now, ever since newton discovered it, people have always been pressed to nullify it. There's a slight difference to "countering gravity" and "nullifying" it. For example. An aeroplane counters gravity by providing it's own upward thrust. But nullifying it will be breaking the bonds between gravity and the object. ENOUGH SCIENCE I SAY. All this technobabble is increasing my intelligence~!! I want to be a Neanderthal!

Lets just say... you found the switch. What do you do? Do... you... become the adventurer and turn it off? Leave it out of fear?
Good questions. But....!!! It will change the world!!!!! Maybe even for a few seconds. Planes will fly upwards more, Michael Jordan will jump over the basketball hoop. That would be cooool. Extra hang time. Well.... except they won't fall down at ALL, if you don't turn it back on. When they do though, you'll be breaking their bones!! OUCH!

Monday, August 6, 2007

What if number 13 - Earth goes Kaboom!

What if one day a death star comes around and blows up the earth? (or something like hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy)

Well... not too sure what I'd do floating on a hunk of earth in my house staring into deep space. Or THAT SECOND MOON!!! What the hell? THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE!!!? Before we drift off into space, lets rewind a little bit.

Why would a death start wanna blow up earth anyway? We're not exactly gonna be developing X-Wings anytime soon. Space flight has just started. I'd think we'd make better slaves (personally I'd rather be a slave ;) kidding).

Man... I really don't know. Not much you can do about it really, maybe have a cry (forced of course as the atmosphere depletes and tears are sucked out of you and your blood turned to obsidian) or puke your guts out (that one's not as literal). Or blow up with the planet :D it'll totally suck being the dude(s) that get hit directly with the lazer though. Zap! "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." YEA RIGHT! More like "Oh my god he's been literally obliterated!!"

Sunday, August 5, 2007

What if number 12 - Eat, Mr Pac Man

What if Pac-man decided to eat you?

"Woah!! Totally not cool. Get away from me Pac man!!" *as you run crasily down the street from a giant yellow blob with a giant empty gaping mouth*
"I didn't mean to have fun with Mrs Pac man", you say, "The game's not even that great, it actually kinda sucked!" The giant Blob seems to react to that comment and begins to rage even more.
As you begin to run out of breath, you see a giant white blob, larger than the ones that were above you the whole time. Weird, you think to yourself and suddenly have to uncontrollable urge to consume this massive white blob. As you quietly knaw at it, you hear a strange electronic sound. THE SOUND OF IMPENDING DOOM FROM THE PAC MAN. You quickly finish off the rest of this massive white blob (tasted alright actually) and The yellow blog turns into a shade of dark blue and begins to cower away.

You feel so strong after consume that massive white blob, that you're overcome with the urge to begin eating the now dark blue blob. You chase it down with lightning speed and bite it in the ass. Mmmm never had pineapple tasting marsh mellows :D

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

What if number 11 - Hair pill

What if you could change your hair colour by taking a pill every day?

Comon~~ honestly? Don't tell me you haven't thought of this before! At some point in your life you have wanted to dye your hair. Either to piss off your parents, look cool, or even just out of an act of randomness. COME ON!!!

I've thought about dying my hair before. But havn't gone around to working on that just yet. not a big fan of dying hair... getting it bleached.... yuck. And expensive. But now~~ There's a safe little pill you can take once a day before bed time that turns your hair growing sites on your head assemble a specific colour. If you take it often enough, you'll have yourself naturally looking hair colour. Won't even have to worry about dying it in a few months to hide the true colour.

All you have to do, it keep taking that specific pill and you'll grow that awesome hair of yours. No touch-ups, no disgusting feel and smell of hair, best of all, little effort required. That and you can mix and match and make a RAINBOW HAIR!!!!! awesum!!

Mmmmmmm rainbow hair

Tuesday, July 31, 2007

What if number 10 - Big Foot n babies

What if big foot enjoys eating babies?
Well..... that's a bit far fetched you say. Oh~~ totally not a big foot out there. Oh~~ he totally doesn't exist. Oh~~ you suck!!. Oh~~ how about a stfu and it's my what if page?
Lets just -- for amusement -- say that big foot was a real creature in the woods wandering around the Canadian border. He's just chillin, nice and hairy, looking for a big foot-ess and to have some big footted children. Ya know, keep the population going and all. Since the land of hairless doesn't appreciate a well haired, big footed being. *Big foot shuns us all*

Lets just say the primary source of food for big foot was babies. That's why kids and other youngans are being kidnapped all around~ TO FEED THE MONSTER!!! Babies are probably pretty yummy to ol'big foot. I mean... freshly squeezed out. You wouldn't eat a fetus that has gotten old and tense now do ya. Want them fresh and cherry. (BTW every egg you eat is a fetus!! YUM)

Seriously, that'll be kinda a problem for us.

Monday, July 30, 2007

What if number 9 - Living next to the fairy

What if you lived next to the tooth fairy?

My my my... I'd come home at night at around 9pm after hitting the local pub and then there she was... and oldish looking person looking like she's going to work or something... But WTF!!! Pink tutu and a magic wand and a bag which is labeled "Children's Teeth". WHAT... THE... FUCK? Realizing that I've been drinking a wee bit, I shrugged and walked towards my apartment.

The next day, as I ready off to work, she comes back with a massive bag of "Children's Teeth" and still in that outfit. Okay!! Totally sober now, WHAT THE FUCK!!!? I walked up to her and struck up a conversation regarding her line of work. WHAT? A Tooth fairy!!? Bedazzled I stepped back against the wall and sank to the ground in awe. T...T.... Toooooooth? A million questions shot through my mind. She showed me her teeth and told me how she sneaks into kid's bedrooms and reaches under their pillows. I stopped listening when she said "sneaks into kid's bedrooms."

I got up off the rough floor and dusted my pants, walked into my room. Several minutes after, cops busted through to my neighbor's house. Damn pedophiles!!

Lock her up boys. Put her in with Santa!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

What if number 8 - Boogy Man

What if there really was a boogy man!!

To be honest, I never did think there was someone in my closet, due to the fact that it wasn't exactly a door shut closet. It was a sliding closet, ONE WITH A MIRROR OF DEATH!!!!! Where you look at it for too long and your face begins to warp into what you'd be like if you were dead. Sorta like in the Philosophers' Stone in Harry Potter! Except YOU DIE!!!

I've been thinking of telling my kids the day that they're old enough about the shenanigans(doubt you could spell that right the first go) of the "Boogy man~~" *ooooooooo~~*. Of course, if you know me, you'd be saying "what is this person up to". (and even if you don't you probably know that I'm gonna do something traumatizing to them) Okay, set the seed of falsehood *check!*, set the distraction *check!* JUMP AT THEM OUT OF THE CLOSET!! MUAHAHAAA!!!!! My evil plan will now cause thousands of dollars of therapy. Man, I'm an awesome Dad.

But seriously, if the boogy man existed, he must be a pedophile, sleeping under children's beds. That'll just be odd if he sleeps under adult's beds. That's just damn creepy. Maybe like a peeping tom. Hummm... *I'm a pee pee* (for those of you who think that's crazy, watch Boston legal season 3)

Friday, July 27, 2007

What if number 7 - Under the sea

What if you could live under the sea?
Well... first of all I'll visit sponge bob. HA! God I hate that show, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!!!! I just wanna strangle the damn sponge. Maybe use him to scrub my feet or something. Bet he'll like that. Being gay and all. Well..... prob not.

Aside from the Sponge at the bottom of the sea. It would be a marvel to live under water. In fact there is a construction going on in Dubai. Very Sexy. It's called the Hydropolis (both links will take u to the same page). But what I'm talking about is TOTALLY UNDER THE SEA!!!

Submerged and built to sit on the bottom of the sea. Ahhh... I can see it now, a city growing inside a massive dome using volcanic activity as a source of power. Very very awesums. Imagine the pressure if we were to use glass as a shielding. What if there was a leak? ZOMG!!! drown under the sea where nobody can find you. That and where would we get all that glass. I'm gonna go with shielding technology. Like all those you see on SCI FI!! Fuck yea!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

What if number 6 - Nemo Sushi Anyone?

What if we never found Nemo?
Just some foot notes on the top of this : Nemo is related to the animated movie created by Pixar called "Finding Nemo". If you don't want the story to be ruined etc etc. Turn away.

Think about it, a twist of fate lead to the finding of Nemo anyway to begin with. So what happens if the dad (forgot... prob Martin or something) never found his son?

OH MAN!!! I'm feeling like crying now. (not that I am gunna cause I'm a man and all *hides soaked tissues*) Think about it, if Nemo just stayed in that tank forever and ever and ever, well.. maybe for a year or two before the thermometer/temp moderator of the fish tank blows up (THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS). Then it'll just be "finding nemo's corpse". totally yuck. Kids would totally want to see that.
"Hey mommy, is Nemo sleeping?"
"Yea.... sleeping forever.... (fuck, stupid movie - I wonder if that guy over there's single?)"
"Hey mommy, Nemo's floating upwards... why?"
"Yea, fish float (mmmm he's totally yummy)"
"Hey mommy..."

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

What if number 5 - Got Milk?

What if you don't got milk?
This is a crazy little advert aired in the USA, and well... it speaks for itself what happens if you don't got milk. I know I know, this one's a tad lazy. But I mean, it's already been done for me.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

What if number 4 - Killer Dolphins

What if dolphins eat humans and ENJOY IT!!!??

Scary thought really if you ask me. Even if you ask me twice it's still scary. The third time... and then probably not the fourth - cause I think I'll be over the whole "oh noes!! The great gray dolphin!! it's gonna eat me!!" *for those of you who are picturing me saying that, add that weird/gay shark's voice in family guy to that phrase, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I'M SAYING IT*

And jaws will be less scary compared to DOLPHIN!!!! Plus, sharks do not travel in packs/herds/groups. They hunt alone~~ but...... dolphins however HUNT IN PACKS!!!! *grizzly!* "I put dibs on that fat one", says dolphin number two. "FINE! I'll take the old one then", grunts dolphin number one. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asks D2. "No! fuck off!"
Something like the following should be carried out in a play somewhere.

But seriously, what if dolphins really do like the other other white meat? I like a little bit of meat, to nibble on, but I certainly won't tear your LIMBS OUT AND THROW YOU AROUND LIKE A RAG DOLL (weeee~~!! Mom I'm swimming *sinks - gurgle gurgle* - Mom continues to chat up hawt young adults on the side).

Monday, July 23, 2007

What if number 3 - Energizer!

What if you can eat batteries and get energy from it?

Comon! who hasn't thought about eating batteries before? I for one haven't until yesterday while coming up with more what ifs. I'm pretty sure babies would be like "ooooo shiny and round" *gulp* Totally sexy!! (no idea where that come from)

Imagine that if you could ingest batteries and gain energy from it. SURE, you could put it in a a clock and it runs, so why not you?

Lets assume for one moment that eating a battery gives you energy. You could literally start lighting up light bulbs by holding onto a light bulb correctly to from a current. SWEET~!! You could totally zap people. And when everyone holds hands, you can revive someone!! *CLEAR!!* Johnny!! are you okay? *holding him around the shoulders* "No~~~" *shaking from the zapping you're still doing*

And everyone would have afro hair :D Waboof!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

What if number 2 - Marshy

What if marshmallows were sentient?

oh man! poor mushy!! every time you drink hot chocolate with marshmallows they're like, "oh noes!! not the hot chocolate nooooo *gurgle/drown*" and then the occasional bubble, that is if they sunk to begin with.

I like bobbing the marshmallows up and down so it'll melt faster, MAN!! now I feel bad that I've aided in drowning an innocent marshmallow, of course eating it's dead corpse makes me feel a lot better. Yum! soft and sugary!

What about those mushies that get BURNED!!!! Compared to the lava like hot chocolate (or other beverages) being burned alive! First, people tend to dip them in something, then WABOOF!!! in the flame you go!! If they were sentient, they'll be screaming, "oh noes!! I'm on fire!! And i think my insides are turning liquid oooh~~" Mind you, i like them gooey on the inside but not crisp on the outside. Or CHARRED!!!! (Well done please!)

Saturday, July 21, 2007

What if number 1 - Lonly Space

What if we are all alone in the universe?

No alien scum, no advanced civilization beyond the ever growing gap in space?
I wonder if we'll be the most advanced civilization in the universe. Man... that'll be annoying, nobody to look up to for scientific direction.
So empty space will be, and then came MAN!!! And their advanced breeding capability!! Spells sex!!!
Everyone enjoys SEX!!! Unless you haven't had it before, you can't exactly enjoy it. Maybe you will during it.
Seriously! WHAT IF we are the most advanced sentient beings in the universe? MAN O MAN! That'll suck big alien balls.
As you contemplate on all the possibilities I'll contemplate about the next What if.
Seriously!!! THAT'LL SUCK!

What if I made a What If page?

The answer is simple, WHAT IF!!!

Well.. it's not really if anymore now is it... hummm.... Silly question to begin with cause I've made one already! Yay (I totally don't say yayzors)

Basically this blog is about the O-So-Many-Possibilities-Of-Health-Science-Life-General- Things-Stuff-Page
Where I get to call upon forces of nature and conjure up the magic spell that has been spoken throughout time... "What if" *thunder goes off in the background*.
Like George Lucus decided one day to say, "What if i made a movie about galactic warfare with samurai and telekinetic abilities?"
I will be testing the boundaries of the what if dimension. Explore and expand!!

Page format will be "What if number X" and see how long i can get the list to go.