Tuesday, July 31, 2007

What if number 10 - Big Foot n babies

What if big foot enjoys eating babies?
Well..... that's a bit far fetched you say. Oh~~ totally not a big foot out there. Oh~~ he totally doesn't exist. Oh~~ you suck!!. Oh~~ how about a stfu and it's my what if page?
Lets just -- for amusement -- say that big foot was a real creature in the woods wandering around the Canadian border. He's just chillin, nice and hairy, looking for a big foot-ess and to have some big footted children. Ya know, keep the population going and all. Since the land of hairless doesn't appreciate a well haired, big footed being. *Big foot shuns us all*

Lets just say the primary source of food for big foot was babies. That's why kids and other youngans are being kidnapped all around~ TO FEED THE MONSTER!!! Babies are probably pretty yummy to ol'big foot. I mean... freshly squeezed out. You wouldn't eat a fetus that has gotten old and tense now do ya. Want them fresh and cherry. (BTW every egg you eat is a fetus!! YUM)

Seriously, that'll be kinda a problem for us.

Monday, July 30, 2007

What if number 9 - Living next to the fairy

What if you lived next to the tooth fairy?

My my my... I'd come home at night at around 9pm after hitting the local pub and then there she was... and oldish looking person looking like she's going to work or something... But WTF!!! Pink tutu and a magic wand and a bag which is labeled "Children's Teeth". WHAT... THE... FUCK? Realizing that I've been drinking a wee bit, I shrugged and walked towards my apartment.

The next day, as I ready off to work, she comes back with a massive bag of "Children's Teeth" and still in that outfit. Okay!! Totally sober now, WHAT THE FUCK!!!? I walked up to her and struck up a conversation regarding her line of work. WHAT? A Tooth fairy!!? Bedazzled I stepped back against the wall and sank to the ground in awe. T...T.... Toooooooth? A million questions shot through my mind. She showed me her teeth and told me how she sneaks into kid's bedrooms and reaches under their pillows. I stopped listening when she said "sneaks into kid's bedrooms."

I got up off the rough floor and dusted my pants, walked into my room. Several minutes after, cops busted through to my neighbor's house. Damn pedophiles!!

Lock her up boys. Put her in with Santa!

Sunday, July 29, 2007

What if number 8 - Boogy Man

What if there really was a boogy man!!

To be honest, I never did think there was someone in my closet, due to the fact that it wasn't exactly a door shut closet. It was a sliding closet, ONE WITH A MIRROR OF DEATH!!!!! Where you look at it for too long and your face begins to warp into what you'd be like if you were dead. Sorta like in the Philosophers' Stone in Harry Potter! Except YOU DIE!!!

I've been thinking of telling my kids the day that they're old enough about the shenanigans(doubt you could spell that right the first go) of the "Boogy man~~" *ooooooooo~~*. Of course, if you know me, you'd be saying "what is this person up to". (and even if you don't you probably know that I'm gonna do something traumatizing to them) Okay, set the seed of falsehood *check!*, set the distraction *check!* JUMP AT THEM OUT OF THE CLOSET!! MUAHAHAAA!!!!! My evil plan will now cause thousands of dollars of therapy. Man, I'm an awesome Dad.

But seriously, if the boogy man existed, he must be a pedophile, sleeping under children's beds. That'll just be odd if he sleeps under adult's beds. That's just damn creepy. Maybe like a peeping tom. Hummm... *I'm a pee pee* (for those of you who think that's crazy, watch Boston legal season 3)

Friday, July 27, 2007

What if number 7 - Under the sea

What if you could live under the sea?
Well... first of all I'll visit sponge bob. HA! God I hate that show, who lives in a pineapple under the sea? SPONGE BOB SQUARE PANTS!!!! I just wanna strangle the damn sponge. Maybe use him to scrub my feet or something. Bet he'll like that. Being gay and all. Well..... prob not.

Aside from the Sponge at the bottom of the sea. It would be a marvel to live under water. In fact there is a construction going on in Dubai. Very Sexy. It's called the Hydropolis (both links will take u to the same page). But what I'm talking about is TOTALLY UNDER THE SEA!!!

Submerged and built to sit on the bottom of the sea. Ahhh... I can see it now, a city growing inside a massive dome using volcanic activity as a source of power. Very very awesums. Imagine the pressure if we were to use glass as a shielding. What if there was a leak? ZOMG!!! drown under the sea where nobody can find you. That and where would we get all that glass. I'm gonna go with shielding technology. Like all those you see on SCI FI!! Fuck yea!

Thursday, July 26, 2007

What if number 6 - Nemo Sushi Anyone?

What if we never found Nemo?
Just some foot notes on the top of this : Nemo is related to the animated movie created by Pixar called "Finding Nemo". If you don't want the story to be ruined etc etc. Turn away.

Think about it, a twist of fate lead to the finding of Nemo anyway to begin with. So what happens if the dad (forgot... prob Martin or something) never found his son?

OH MAN!!! I'm feeling like crying now. (not that I am gunna cause I'm a man and all *hides soaked tissues*) Think about it, if Nemo just stayed in that tank forever and ever and ever, well.. maybe for a year or two before the thermometer/temp moderator of the fish tank blows up (THAT ALWAYS HAPPENS). Then it'll just be "finding nemo's corpse". totally yuck. Kids would totally want to see that.
"Hey mommy, is Nemo sleeping?"
"Yea.... sleeping forever.... (fuck, stupid movie - I wonder if that guy over there's single?)"
"Hey mommy, Nemo's floating upwards... why?"
"Yea, fish float (mmmm he's totally yummy)"
"Hey mommy..."

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

What if number 5 - Got Milk?

What if you don't got milk?
This is a crazy little advert aired in the USA, and well... it speaks for itself what happens if you don't got milk. I know I know, this one's a tad lazy. But I mean, it's already been done for me.

Tuesday, July 24, 2007

What if number 4 - Killer Dolphins

What if dolphins eat humans and ENJOY IT!!!??

Scary thought really if you ask me. Even if you ask me twice it's still scary. The third time... and then probably not the fourth - cause I think I'll be over the whole "oh noes!! The great gray dolphin!! it's gonna eat me!!" *for those of you who are picturing me saying that, add that weird/gay shark's voice in family guy to that phrase, THAT'S EXACTLY HOW I'M SAYING IT*

And jaws will be less scary compared to DOLPHIN!!!! Plus, sharks do not travel in packs/herds/groups. They hunt alone~~ but...... dolphins however HUNT IN PACKS!!!! *grizzly!* "I put dibs on that fat one", says dolphin number two. "FINE! I'll take the old one then", grunts dolphin number one. "Are you thinking what I'm thinking?" asks D2. "No! fuck off!"
Something like the following should be carried out in a play somewhere.

But seriously, what if dolphins really do like the other other white meat? I like a little bit of meat, to nibble on, but I certainly won't tear your LIMBS OUT AND THROW YOU AROUND LIKE A RAG DOLL (weeee~~!! Mom I'm swimming *sinks - gurgle gurgle* - Mom continues to chat up hawt young adults on the side).

Monday, July 23, 2007

What if number 3 - Energizer!

What if you can eat batteries and get energy from it?

Comon! who hasn't thought about eating batteries before? I for one haven't until yesterday while coming up with more what ifs. I'm pretty sure babies would be like "ooooo shiny and round" *gulp* Totally sexy!! (no idea where that come from)

Imagine that if you could ingest batteries and gain energy from it. SURE, you could put it in a a clock and it runs, so why not you?

Lets assume for one moment that eating a battery gives you energy. You could literally start lighting up light bulbs by holding onto a light bulb correctly to from a current. SWEET~!! You could totally zap people. And when everyone holds hands, you can revive someone!! *CLEAR!!* Johnny!! are you okay? *holding him around the shoulders* "No~~~" *shaking from the zapping you're still doing*

And everyone would have afro hair :D Waboof!

Sunday, July 22, 2007

What if number 2 - Marshy

What if marshmallows were sentient?

oh man! poor mushy!! every time you drink hot chocolate with marshmallows they're like, "oh noes!! not the hot chocolate nooooo *gurgle/drown*" and then the occasional bubble, that is if they sunk to begin with.

I like bobbing the marshmallows up and down so it'll melt faster, MAN!! now I feel bad that I've aided in drowning an innocent marshmallow, of course eating it's dead corpse makes me feel a lot better. Yum! soft and sugary!

What about those mushies that get BURNED!!!! Compared to the lava like hot chocolate (or other beverages) being burned alive! First, people tend to dip them in something, then WABOOF!!! in the flame you go!! If they were sentient, they'll be screaming, "oh noes!! I'm on fire!! And i think my insides are turning liquid oooh~~" Mind you, i like them gooey on the inside but not crisp on the outside. Or CHARRED!!!! (Well done please!)

Saturday, July 21, 2007

What if number 1 - Lonly Space

What if we are all alone in the universe?

No alien scum, no advanced civilization beyond the ever growing gap in space?
I wonder if we'll be the most advanced civilization in the universe. Man... that'll be annoying, nobody to look up to for scientific direction.
So empty space will be, and then came MAN!!! And their advanced breeding capability!! Spells sex!!!
Everyone enjoys SEX!!! Unless you haven't had it before, you can't exactly enjoy it. Maybe you will during it.
Seriously! WHAT IF we are the most advanced sentient beings in the universe? MAN O MAN! That'll suck big alien balls.
As you contemplate on all the possibilities I'll contemplate about the next What if.
Seriously!!! THAT'LL SUCK!

What if I made a What If page?

The answer is simple, WHAT IF!!!

Well.. it's not really if anymore now is it... hummm.... Silly question to begin with cause I've made one already! Yay (I totally don't say yayzors)

Basically this blog is about the O-So-Many-Possibilities-Of-Health-Science-Life-General- Things-Stuff-Page
Where I get to call upon forces of nature and conjure up the magic spell that has been spoken throughout time... "What if" *thunder goes off in the background*.
Like George Lucus decided one day to say, "What if i made a movie about galactic warfare with samurai and telekinetic abilities?"
I will be testing the boundaries of the what if dimension. Explore and expand!!

Page format will be "What if number X" and see how long i can get the list to go.