Sunday, September 30, 2007

What if number 41 - Does it come with horses?

What if your pumpkin turned into a carriage?
Well!! Lets just get the obvious things that I'd do out of the way first
1.) rub my eyes and ask myself am I trippin on acid!!
2.) Take a serious chunk out of it with my teeth to see if it's edible.
3.) Ask the fairy god mother that turned it there "who the fuck are you"
4.) Shortly followed by a "Where are the horses?"
After a few minutes of explaining, that bitch told me she's gonna charge me by the hour and I have to provide the horses!! FUCK THAT!! Asked her how come cinderella got two!! She said that she had a "comes with free horses" back in those days SINCE THEY WERE DIRT CHEAP *relativity*

So I jump in the carriage and then chill for a while, and she was just getting so annoying telling me all these minor details. I signed and then turned up the stereo inside (dolby surround 7.1) Sat in there for a good while before I got bored of the music. Called up a bro and got hooked up with a few horses (don't ask). Took the carriage for a ride.

Me and the horses went all the way up to the top of that hill (which took a few hours) and then watched some moon. "Ahhh what a lovely sight" as i stared out from the carriage. Suddenly it started creaking and the entire thing started to shrink. I dived out only to have my foot caught by the door. Next thing I knew, it was a pumpkin again!


Friday, September 14, 2007

What if number 40 - My bad doc...

What if you enjoy your prostate examination a little too much?
Was just thinking about the whole checkup thing... As it occurred to me... what if you did... enjoy it a little too much... Been reading about stuff on the internet about how prostate stimulation could be pleasurable. Since the whole point to a prostate examination is to anal probe you, what if.... You... were to be... aroused by this foreign entity?

Well... personally... I'd probably say to the doc... "before we do this... i'm just gonna ask you a few questions... What if i were to be... ya know... aroused at it... cause i've been hearing things ya know... so... i'd like to know you a little better if we are gonna do this - just lemme know, do you likem big titties? or likem nice asses? comon! Just lemme know that at least"
If the doctor is gay... well.... at least he'll be gentle. That's always a plus.

"Ooopse, get the tissue, I'll clean that up" - hehehe
Just a random thought

Thursday, September 13, 2007

Oh man.... i'm running low on energy

I think i've poured too much energy into this what if section... looks like the 365 posts will have to be extended a wee bit more.
We'll get back to you after this little break... maybe a week, maybe just a few days...

Monday, September 10, 2007

What if number 39 - Food Transfer

What if all the food you ate went to somebody else? -Suggestion from Von Von

So! FOOD! Some people hate it, some people love it, some people can't get enough of it, and some people can't actually get any of it. Now! As we all sit around the campfire ROASTING MARSHMALLOWS (I'm... meeel... ting....) we come to realise that food is important. While there are still countries out there that suffer from poverty, we shall always finish out meals. All true asians are taught one thing. IT IS A SIN TO LEAVE A GRAIN OF RICE IN YOUR BOWL!! It's true! Totally a sin!!

So... what if we can like... link our stomachs to someone else? Like.... "sponsor a child with this new device that transports all the extra food that you consume into their bodies on the other side of africa". THAT IS ONE LONG CATCH PHRASE. What a mouthfull. Try saying that 10 times 10 times faster than you possibly can.

I got commented that I was so thin, and I eat so much. Jo said that he reckons that all the food that I eat go to him, and all the food that he eats... well... goes to himself. So I'M HUNGRY!!

That would be cool though, but problem is... how would YOU get energy? Didn't think of that one von. EH!

Sunday, September 9, 2007

What if number 38 - Lock stocked an ready to rock!

What if the whole zombie thing came to life?
Recently watched a movie called 28 weeks later !!! zomfg zombies!!! well... more like insanely aggressive pathogen that lead to insanity and violence. MMM Zombies!! in other words. Mindlessly eating you!

This is what I'd do :
First thing's first. This is what I'd do. Go to the garden shed (or garage) pick out a shovel/fork. Find a cleaver of some sort. Duct tape. And you have yourself a sturdy extension cleaver! Find some rope so you can hang it on your back.
Next, fill up some clean water and put it in your back pack, some food supplies and then some knives and put them into your vest that you've saved up on. Put on a ski mask and goggles and It's time to go hunting!
After packing my bags for a few weeks travel. I'd phone up my friends to see if they need assistance. Then if they do, i'd rush over and smash some skulls open. But if not, tell them to arm up and then we'll head to the city to liberate some shotguns. Or equally nice, a gun store (if you know where it is - next to work and income on riccarton!!) Clear the city of zombies and find survivors. Well... that's me if zombies were to invade. Similar situation with aliens.

Meh! too much movies i'd say. But... you never know!!! NZ isn't a country someone would test their virus on anyway. Try like.... New York :D or Japan!!! Tokyo highest population density :D

Friday, September 7, 2007

What if number 37 - Me is Loco!

What if you can take crazy pills?

This came to my attention when Muugatu (sp) in Zoolander said "... I feel like I'm taking CRAZY PILLS!!!" TOTALLY AWESOME!!! I can picture a scene in my mind with a psychiatrist sitting on his chair and then a boring patient sits there.
"My life is so boring, I wish I were more.... adventurous," moaned the... moaning man.
"Hummm...." the psychiatrist glares at his wrist watch. (still 50 min!!! FUCK)
"I wish I could be like.... *sigh*"
"I sound depressed don't I?"
"Humm...... what? No... of course not."
"You're not listening to me!"
"No~~ don't say that. I'm just considering something (SHIT!)"
"I'm sure you are"
"Here take some crazy pills, they're still in clinical trials but i think you would be okay"
Several minutes after taking the crazy pills, the psychiatrist is thrown out the window from his 32nd floor office.

Wonder if you'll see pretty colours?

Thursday, September 6, 2007

What if number 36 - Life Documentary

What if you knew your life is going to be documented one day?

Woooooah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah woah.... WOAH! This isn't my spiderman costume. As Peter says in Family guy (i thinks) But the point is the amount of WOAH(s) there were. A LOT.

What would you do.... what WOULD you do? I'd just live on! Depressions and hyperactivity like the usual. But that's a little bland isn't it? Do drugs... seek prostitutes (it's legal here at least... still) Jump off bridges (into water) and then get arrested. At least when people watch your life story, they'll go... "wow! What A LOSER!" Or... "LEGEND!" Which I amz ;) *mumbles "I-r-teh-legendz" in the corner*

Have a think. An hour long tv episode on YOU! Wonder what it would be *secretly wishes to dominate the world with his teachings*

What if number 34 and 35 - DOUBLE UP!

What if clouds were really made of candy floss? What if you can fly!!?
Been a little bit lazy recently, and to make it up, this is a special DUO post. Specially formatted for extra fun-age
Well... Where does Superman eat? Well... that's a very nice question. He eats SUPER CEREAL! with Super Moo-Milk and... Super... doughnuts? Maybe...? All reasonable answeres that were never really discussed in any of the comics/film/etc etc. What does superman EAT?!!! Definitely Lewis ;)

ANYWAY! If Superman needs to eat, why not just eat the clouds? Since THEY'RE CANDY FLOSS!!! He can even say to his Super-Dentist that he's been flossin ;) WITH CANDY! He'll probably have a lot of cavities, but it's kewl, he just needs a mirror and then his eye lazer thing. Beeew!!!

Lets cut superman some slack here, if it were you, you'd run up to the sky and eat the candy floss away and then fly to class :D problem solved. What about the airplane's engines? There won't be any... TO BEGIN WITH! Cause you can fly! And eat on the go as well... sweet! Don't have to go down to the nearest island for Maccas.

Monday, September 3, 2007

What if number 33 - Freeze!

What if you had hands so cold when they touch something it freezes?

Well... this will be the first post that sorta include the whole superhero idea (which i've added as a label - indicating there might be more).
"So! Want an ice cream there Timmy?" you ask with your nicest voice
"Yes! I do!" replies Timmy enthusiastically.
"Alright then! *you whip up some stuff with your hands while chilling the cream to a nice temperature of somewhere below 0 :D* DONE!"
"YAY! *as you hand it over to Timmy"
"There's a good boy *you touch his hair and scruffles his head*"
"OUCH! brain fre..."
"Oh fuck! I've frozen his brain.... woops.... *you rush into the front seat of your ice cream truck and drive off at a very fast speed*"

The next day you find on the newspaper there is an article about a man who kidnaps kids and puts them in freezers. CREEPY, who'd do that?

Sunday, September 2, 2007

What if number 32 - X-tention?

What if I started including disgusting content to my what ifs?

Well... lately, things have been a bit slow. *throws a dice and then places cards down* I think i need to get the creative juices flowing. But I just can't do it these days. That's why I have a reserve list of things that I've written down.

Some of them interesting... some of them... kinda funny... random... weird.... something i'd probably do in my lifetime (notice how that they are all my labels?). What if I started to include some really really really disgusting stuff.... I know that'll degrade the overall flow of this what if quality, sorta like fear factor, how they sorta just went downhill and then when they've hit rock bottom, they get a diamond bit drill and dig even deeper into the magma! BUT NO! MAGMA DIDN'T STOP THEM! They built that machine that dug through lava and stuff.... like on the core! WORST MOVIE EVER! BAH!

I'll have a think about this, obviously this is quite a big deal imo, cause COMON!!! It's like..... adding shit to a funky sundae. And i like my funky sundaes, with fries in them :D not shit.