Monday, August 27, 2007

What if number 31 - That's a lot of cheese!

What if the moon was made of cheese?

Well.... i suppose... we could send the moon towards the earth and we'll solved hunger for a good long while.... but then again... it might just rot away. That and cause GROBAL RARMING! (global warming) and erase our planet. LETS NUKE IT! says the american government. Cause... they have nukes... LOTS!

Well... if we ignore what we could do with that much cheese... you come to realise. WHO MADE ALL THAT CHEESE? That must be one HUUUUGE BITCH. I mean... cow! The cry of the eternal cow....

Here's a picture I drew that took me longer than it should have... PURELY IN PHOTOSHOP! (wowz - i are newbs)loving that caption ;)

Sunday, August 26, 2007

What if number 30 - O..M...G.... *slits writs*

What if Teletubbies made a movie?

First thing's first *rips open his arm with a blade*
On a side note. It's been one MONTH! yayzors!!! (yes zors)
Second thing i would do is if i'm still alive after going to the emergency room and a consult from my therapist, and going through mental rehab. OKAY THAT'S FUCKIN ENOUGH! I'm gonna pick up a chain saw and head towards the Studio in which they made the god damn movie. How? I'll just google it. You might say, what are you gonna do at the studio? I'M GONNA RIP IT UP WITH MY CHAIN SAW!!!! Diamond bit ;) Obviously cause i need to carve through steel.
Third thing after standing outside the studio as it crumbles to the ground slowly. I'll stand in a glorious "superhero-saves-the-day" pose and let the wind catch my hair for a while. Maybe for like... 10 min. Bask in the demolished building's ashes, smell the sweat and tears of the actors that had to put on the damn suits.
Fourth. After the third, I'll jump into my monster truck (yay!) and head on down to kill the purple teletubby. Since he's the ring leader. Roll over ever car that gets in my way. except SUVs, they might flip my monster truck :(. Aside from that! I'll rip into the eldest teletubby. Not with a chain saw though. Just... an operating knife! slowly but surely I'll cut out his brain and examine it for stupidity. Obviously it'll be contaminated in it.
Fifth - Seventh. The other 3 teletubbies will face a strange death. Freak gas explosion. Decapitation. Chewing on his own balls.
FINALLY, I'll end up in jail probably as a hero for saving the world from total destruction. Bask in the glory of penises!

What if number 29 - Whole year promise? (Zettai Yaksoku~~)

What if I could do this for a whole year straight?

Well... first of all, I know I know... I've been saying this to everyone. But! (shikashi) What if i really do pull this stunt off? a massively long blog for 365 posts!! I mean.... that's totally whack right?

At this very moment, I do have a stash of what ifs lined up in my little notepad of mine. WHICH I'M NOT GONNA SHOW ANYONE EVER!!! except maybe myself and George here. I do have some good ones here, some are mediocre, most are above average I'd say. I mean... I did come up with them :D Cause i'm such a legend and all. :D LEGENDZ! with a Z cause i can. I'll try to make it up to 100, then we'll see how far i can go. I'll keep pumping ideas out like a whore house n leaving patrons.

Bottom line is.
It would be awesumz! Totally legendary!

Friday, August 24, 2007

What if number 28 - Shush! yoo demon!

What if that little voice in your head gets the better of you?

Well...... sometimes, Timmy here wants to come out and play. WITH A KNIFE!!!! Cause he's a slasher... of prices! (cus he owns a store - like in hot fuzz).

Ever experience a little voice in your head telling you to do stuff? Or... not do stuff in some people's cases? Sometimes it's common sense talking. Sorta like when you open a bottle of wine, common sense says... "don't chug the whole thing now... you'll look like a dipshit". You might listen, you might not. But its the ones like "mmm, you know you wanna grab that ass" you shouldn't listen to. HARMFUL STUFF THAT!

It's okay children, drugs are bad! If you don't believe me ask your Dad

Feels like I'm taking crazy pills!!! - Mugatu - Zoolander
I know i am ;)

Thursday, August 23, 2007

What if number 27 - You can't handel the truth!

What if there was something you could take to make you speak the truth?

Well... many people would claim that I'm in the clinical trial already (zing!) and that i'm not getting the placebo! MMMM FETUS! dunno where that came from, from the word placebo reminds me of a fetus pie!!! MMMMM!!! DELICIOUS! *makes gurgling sounds as he consumes a bloody fetus pie*

Well.... this idea is basically the whole "YOU CAN'T HANDEL THE TRUTH" thing isn't it? Sorta relates to me as well. Truth usually can't be handled, but.... it's really just my opinion! SO..... "YOU CAN'T HANDEL MY OPINIONS!!!" I sound so kewl. All i need know is a brown hat and a long matrix jacket thingy. COAT! that's the word.

*dum dee dum dum*
This post is by far the most off track post EVER

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

What if number 26 - It's raining what now?

What if actually rains cats and dogs?

Woof woof! SPLAT~!!! Meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee yeow!
As Timmy wanders out of the pet store disappointed that he couldn't get a pet for Christmas, it begins to rain cats and dogs. Like massive hunks of meat falling from the sky (as massive chunks of meat do) a dog spatters right in front of Timmy. Timmy, now covered in dog-insides screams for his life. Then out of NOWHERE! Another dog rams into Timmy instantly severing his head in the process.

Well.... you might say.... cats can live if you throw them off a building... so that's why every time you masturbate, god kills a little kitten. THAT'S WHY!!! THAT'S WHY!!! Cause dogs just die when they hit the ground. Tragic tragic tragic.

And that's why you need to take the umbrella out Timmy!

Tuesday, August 21, 2007

What if number 25 - Boom!

What if NASA decided to blow up the moon?
Kaboom! Houston, we have a problem. The moon needs to be blown up.

Of course they'll need an excuse. Something like from Armageddon. LETS NUKE IT. Well... that's the ultimate solution to everything :D When something goes wrong, LETS NUKE IT! Damn Americans and their gaud damn nukes. They make the most nukes and then says everyone else can't make them :D Totally awesumz.

BACK ON TOPIC! Reasons to why the moon needs to be blown up? Maybe..... IT'S ON A COLLISION COURSE FOR EARTH!!!!! omfgz! Totally unpredictable (yea right) Bet it's so they can destroy the evidence that they never landed on the fuckin moon.

Many would say "I like the moon" and i like it too. Cause during a full moon, Andrew gets feral, that's always fun to watch. Him tearing into random civilians that are walking about out at night dealing drugs at 1am in the morning. TOTALLY AWESUMZ. I'd keep him on a leash though.

Monday, August 20, 2007

What if number 24 - Tickle the president

What if Elmo ruled the world?

First things first. Elmo would include his entire gang. And here we go!
That's first of all a scary thought, but I think the secretary of defense would be the cookie monster, since he's gotta be good at defending his cookies right? from annihilation. And a hawt secretary should be none other than Big Bird, either that or he could just be like.... public relations... Yea.... big bird = public relations. Dunno about the gay friends Ernie and... that other one that shares the flat.

Totally have miss Piggy as a hawt sexy secretary lol. Kermit the frog might help too - personal assistant ;)

Not too sure of what this administration would be for though. Maybe education and lots of tickling. Maybe a "tickle the president" day or something, where all kids get to tickle mr president :D Total boost for public relations HA!

Sunday, August 19, 2007

What if number 23 - Blood chunks falling from the sky

What if you can eat till you explode?

Hence the bloody chunks falling from the sky. Well... chunks with food in them... eww.... slimy spaghetti, crunched up pieces of meatballs too~~ YUCK.

First of all, this idea did... sorta start from good old GTA(grand theft auto) 3!!!! Good game. Where you had to blow up someone's car while they are in a restaurant eating till their heart explodes. And there it was... the billboard of the place. "All you can eat buffet." With a slogan "EAT TILL YOU EXPLODE" and KABOOM!!!

That was also a case like the in CSI (original - the best one imo) where this guy had nerve damage and couldn't stop eating cause he was constantly hungry - or felt hungry always. Fatty fatty he was, he ate till he died because he stuffed so much food down himself that it pressed on his heart or something and died. Poor fat man :( That's what I mean when you eat till you explode. Not quite~~ But still... to the point.

The moral of this story is. Don't eat too much, even when you feel hungry. It's your body, you are the master of your body, not the reverse. That and Buddha's theory : desire is evil, a life without desire is a pure life. Or something like that. BORING! But... it's true.

Friday, August 17, 2007

What if number 22 - Damn!!

What if that bitch never pays up?

That motha fucker! Totally gonna get an ass whooping if i see that mofo again. Don't you just hate it when you lend someone some dough and they don't return it? And when they return it, they don't even give you a little box of chocolates or something. Damn fuckin little bitches. Makes me wanna cut off their testicals and feed it to them.

I dunno, just a random thought I had as I compiled an ever growing list of What ifs... YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! Don't make me get out the pimp cane!

It's a little short, but YOU KNOW WHO YOU ARE!!! Totally go pay up bitches. Or someone's totally getting an rectal examination. I'm gonna have to clean my pimp stick.
*RED DRAGON - lol*

Thursday, August 16, 2007

What if number 21 - The One RING!

What if you found a ring that can make you invisible like on LOTR (lord of the rings)?

Of course, NATURALLY - since I'm guy - I'd sneak around into the girls locker room ;) then the boyz! *grabs wet towel - hears slapping sounds and men screaming in pain* he he he! Then.... I'll touch M.C. Hammer cause he won't see me coming! *can't touch this!*

Well... lets just put aside all them weird side effects like wanting to keep it for yourself...... WHO THE FUCK WOULDN'T!!! If you gave it to someone else, you will never be able to find it ever again anyway! CAUSE THEY'RE FUCKIN INVISIBLE!!! So you can't exactly say that's a side effect. And the weird ring you see in the sky when you put it on? CUT! Lets just disenchant that spell! *waves a toothbrush like a wand*

Aside from the sneaking around... I'm pretty sure there is nothing else you can do with a ring that turns you invisible. The whole point to being invisible is..... to sneak around and elude 70% of your senses YOUR EYES! Would suck if you were tying to rob a blind guy though, HE'LL KNOW YOU'RE THERE!!! Since he's like... all wired up without eyes and stuff.

*steals your underwear as you read this - EBAY!!! YES!*

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

What if number 20 - Suddenly appear?

What if birds suddenly appear every time you are near?

It'll be like that movie with the crazy birds that kill people wouldn't it be? I mean... birds following you around ALL DAY LONG. SERIOUSLY!!! It'll get old.

I think if birds suddenly pop out of thin air wherever you go, you'll have a lot of birds popping out of nowhere. I'd hope there would be some parrots or something, hire a bird catcher to follow you around and capture them and pawn them off for MONEY!!

OMFG! What if you're on the plane? and birds appear INSIDE THE PLANE!!!? Man! You won't be allowed anywhere!!? That'll blow goat's balls man... totally blow it.

In other words better carry an umbrella around all day if you wanna stay clean :D

Monday, August 13, 2007

What if number 19 - Sunshine!

What if you could walk on sunshine?

I'm walking no sunshine, ooooh oh! I'm walking on sunshine oooh Oh!
That's all I know of the song. It's kinda depressing that that's all i know since it's a lovely song. I'll bet the song was about the dude's girlfriend and the feeling of love.

But beyond that. Walking on sunshine!! Lets just ignore the fact that sun shines everywhere!!! Okay!! You can chose where to walk on sunshine then!

Ya know what i'd do? First I'd walk on sunshine to the top of the roof of the highest building I could find. And then jump step by step onto the ground. Or even better! Slide down sunshine!! ooooo weeeeeee!!! Awesumz! Just hate it if suddenly the sun gets blocked out by the clouds... then i'll be in real shit!

Beyond the normal, I'd probably bike to school going right over traffic oh! but there will be flying cars... that might actually prove difficult to control them cars.

Wouldn't want there to be a cloud in the sky~~

Sunday, August 12, 2007

What if number 18 - Ya mum!

What if "your mum" never gets old!!?

To be honest. I WILL KILL THE NEXT PERSON WHO SAYS YOUR MUM!!! honestly. Originality points are so low on a scale of 0 to 10. It's like.... a negative infinity. The best thing about "your mum" is that it doesn't make sense at all. Only two words can set in motion a battle. NOT I!!!

Well... i'll give credit to those of them out there who actually say something after just "your mum". Like "your mum is so old, her breast milk is powdered" Various deviations of the mum joke are okay. Just not the "ya mum" thing. Not cool!

But in the case that it does not get old, i think I will have to kill some people to get their mum's points through.

Friday, August 10, 2007

What if number 17 - Sky Food

What if the sky wanted to eat you while you are flying on an aeroplane?
Hey mommy, what's that black space out there? outside of the aeroplane?
It's just space honey, that dark outline above us is the space! Where the moon is.
No... that's up there. I'm talking about that giant mouth like thing over there.
Oh Timmy, I think you're just tired, suffering from that jet lag.
MOMMY!!! I'm not tired! Look!!! *points at gaping mouth like hole in the sky*
Yea right
I think it's time you screamed says a mysterious hooded figure holding a massive scythe.
STOP! YOU! IN THE HOOD! PUT DOWN THE WEAPON says the enthusiastic air mashall
Fark Yoo all!!! Long live allah!!! says the terrorist who opens his vest and shows a giant red button and presses it.

(intercom) Ladies and gentlemen please stay seated we're getting eaten by the sky, I'm going to start evasive maneuvers and perform an emergency landing on the nearby island. Belt up thanks, your captain (intercom ends)

Everyone stares blankly at each other and then rush to see the outside of the plane. Indeed there has been a development of a gaping black mouth-like hole. "Ooooo, this is goooood. I'm totally getting a raise today" screams Death and then begins to start a manacle laugh.

Timmy : Why is it always me?

Thursday, August 9, 2007

What if number 16 - Ants!

What if ants colonized your house when you went on holiday?

What I'm talking about isn't just a bit of your house. LIKE FULLY BLOWN!!! Jammed packed with what seems to be paper made apartment like colony infrastructure. FUCK!!!!! We'll need a bug bomb today! Or like a bug nuke to be more precise.

I do wonder how they did manage to produce such an insanely large colony. Probably ate the mail man. The dog... cat... various other insects from around the house.... neighbors..... Freaky thought man....

Keep your house clean guys... or you'll have a whole house of ants living in it!!!

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

What if number 15 - Shiny~~

What if I attend every social function wrapped in aluminum foil?
*music* "Domo aligato Mr. Roboto. Domoaligato Mr. Roboto" *flashing lights n techno music* Of course I'll be the one that's flashing since I'm CONSUMED IN ALUMINUM FOIL!!!!! ROCK ON!!

Don't know what I'd be doing though, Why am I in all this foil? What can I do now that I am wrapped in this foil? I'll tell you!!
*empty empty empty*

Okay... maybe that was planned out a few seconds ago. I think I'd look silly (one). Think I'd also be scary (two). Think..... people would talk? (three) hummmmmm (four). I don't know.... (five). Maybe.... I'd look.... like I'm doing something? (six). Six sentences :D but still no real reason why I would dress up in foil. I'd have clothes underneath though. Maybe I'll block out magnetic waves or something. So when the aliens abduct you all!! I'll be by myself. Since I won't show up on their radar. Yay!

*turns music on full blasts and does the robot*

Tuesday, August 7, 2007

What if number 14 - Gravity = 0

What if there was a switch to turn off gravity and where would it be?

A switch so devastating that would make things seem weightless? GREAT SCOTT (like Doc from Back to the future) A FLUX CAPACITOR? Yea... well.... we don't need a flux capacitor for this field trip. We'll be needing to make large quantities of "UNOBTANIUM" (wiki) dig down to the core and turn it off!!! That's right! TURN OFF GRAVITY!!!

Well.... the concept of turning off gravity has been around for a while now, ever since newton discovered it, people have always been pressed to nullify it. There's a slight difference to "countering gravity" and "nullifying" it. For example. An aeroplane counters gravity by providing it's own upward thrust. But nullifying it will be breaking the bonds between gravity and the object. ENOUGH SCIENCE I SAY. All this technobabble is increasing my intelligence~!! I want to be a Neanderthal!

Lets just say... you found the switch. What do you do? Do... you... become the adventurer and turn it off? Leave it out of fear?
Good questions. But....!!! It will change the world!!!!! Maybe even for a few seconds. Planes will fly upwards more, Michael Jordan will jump over the basketball hoop. That would be cooool. Extra hang time. Well.... except they won't fall down at ALL, if you don't turn it back on. When they do though, you'll be breaking their bones!! OUCH!

Monday, August 6, 2007

What if number 13 - Earth goes Kaboom!

What if one day a death star comes around and blows up the earth? (or something like hitch hiker's guide to the galaxy)

Well... not too sure what I'd do floating on a hunk of earth in my house staring into deep space. Or THAT SECOND MOON!!! What the hell? THAT WASN'T THERE BEFORE!!!? Before we drift off into space, lets rewind a little bit.

Why would a death start wanna blow up earth anyway? We're not exactly gonna be developing X-Wings anytime soon. Space flight has just started. I'd think we'd make better slaves (personally I'd rather be a slave ;) kidding).

Man... I really don't know. Not much you can do about it really, maybe have a cry (forced of course as the atmosphere depletes and tears are sucked out of you and your blood turned to obsidian) or puke your guts out (that one's not as literal). Or blow up with the planet :D it'll totally suck being the dude(s) that get hit directly with the lazer though. Zap! "Ashes to ashes, dust to dust." YEA RIGHT! More like "Oh my god he's been literally obliterated!!"

Sunday, August 5, 2007

What if number 12 - Eat, Mr Pac Man

What if Pac-man decided to eat you?

"Woah!! Totally not cool. Get away from me Pac man!!" *as you run crasily down the street from a giant yellow blob with a giant empty gaping mouth*
"I didn't mean to have fun with Mrs Pac man", you say, "The game's not even that great, it actually kinda sucked!" The giant Blob seems to react to that comment and begins to rage even more.
As you begin to run out of breath, you see a giant white blob, larger than the ones that were above you the whole time. Weird, you think to yourself and suddenly have to uncontrollable urge to consume this massive white blob. As you quietly knaw at it, you hear a strange electronic sound. THE SOUND OF IMPENDING DOOM FROM THE PAC MAN. You quickly finish off the rest of this massive white blob (tasted alright actually) and The yellow blog turns into a shade of dark blue and begins to cower away.

You feel so strong after consume that massive white blob, that you're overcome with the urge to begin eating the now dark blue blob. You chase it down with lightning speed and bite it in the ass. Mmmm never had pineapple tasting marsh mellows :D

Wednesday, August 1, 2007

What if number 11 - Hair pill

What if you could change your hair colour by taking a pill every day?

Comon~~ honestly? Don't tell me you haven't thought of this before! At some point in your life you have wanted to dye your hair. Either to piss off your parents, look cool, or even just out of an act of randomness. COME ON!!!

I've thought about dying my hair before. But havn't gone around to working on that just yet. not a big fan of dying hair... getting it bleached.... yuck. And expensive. But now~~ There's a safe little pill you can take once a day before bed time that turns your hair growing sites on your head assemble a specific colour. If you take it often enough, you'll have yourself naturally looking hair colour. Won't even have to worry about dying it in a few months to hide the true colour.

All you have to do, it keep taking that specific pill and you'll grow that awesome hair of yours. No touch-ups, no disgusting feel and smell of hair, best of all, little effort required. That and you can mix and match and make a RAINBOW HAIR!!!!! awesum!!

Mmmmmmm rainbow hair